Clueless

I don't really know what to post on here anymore. Half of me wants to rant and scream and swear - half of me wants to cry and plead and ask why - less than one percent wants to cheer and proclaim how great life is now. So which do I do?

I guess my fun news today is that I went to the doctor in charge of the drug trial I'm in and when he walked in he actually stopped and gasped and said - "You look great, you look so happy"

That was awesome. To know that even though I had one of the worst weeks ever, I was in the 'normal' happy range and not crazy depressed girl. He looked thrilled - the medicine is keeping me from having any panic attacks or from being way too sad. It's great.

The really bad part of my week is loosing my person, the one I went to and trusted and loved. My person was truly the one I thought would always be there to help me out - thank God for friends. I've been so lucky that many of the people I reached out to ran to my aide. Even the people I hadn't talked to in months - ok more like a year.

I feel like an awful person - blocking him on facebook - but I don't want to know. I don't want to see his new 'friends' or pictures of how happy he is. I kinda just want to pretend he doesn't exist - at all. Everywhere I look I see things I did for him - the yarn from the blanket I made, fabric from the halloween I made, paper from the scrapbook I made him - it's everywhere and I can't wait to move. I wish the deal would go faster.

Blah blah blah blah - I'm too drunk to be typing